I know I can handle the hardships my husband and I have faced in the last year. We prepared for this practically and spiritually and we are strong. The one area I was not prepared to be challenged was in parenting. I have so many regrets about how this has affected my children.

I hope that one day they will look back and see that their parents were under a lot of stress and decided to use it as a push to make a positive change. Until then, I have to reconcile with what it costs them if I want to be honest and rise above it.

I have so many regrets about how this unfolded but my biggest one will be towards my children because that is the energy I can most control. That is where I accept full responsibility. During those times when I was bombarded with terrible news, I treated my children like Action Items.

I treated them like Action Items. 

Daddy is being sued, people’s money was stolen, our assets are in shambles so I can’t really listen to arguments about who gets to talk about their day first because my nerves are shot. Let’s just move through the afternoon and please don’t ask any extra of me. Snack, homework, dinner, bath, book, bed. BED! 

I snapped at them for talking to me while I was on the phone. I shoo’d them out the door so that I could deal with terrible things. I cried in front of them when I saw what the newspapers wrote about their father and it scared them.

People who are loving will say, “Yes but they saw you be real.” I am thankful for that empathy but I wish I had done better. 

The first time we realized that things in our business were imploding in a way we could not fix was in late April of 2018. My youngest daughter was 17 months old and still breastfeeding at bedtimes. I remember having stressful phone conversations while she played at the park and then bringing her in to nurse before nap, thinking, “I have to wean now. I don’t know how or when this well end and I can’t let this stress transfer to her through my milk.”

I weaned her that very week. It kills me to think that I ended my long career of nursing three babies in this way but I was afraid of the stress hormones affecting her through my milk, even though I know the stress hormones have affected all three of my children through our energy.

There are people who write to us demanding that we apologize or bleed for them. Believe me, I am SO sorry this happened but we never meant any malice or harm. We thought then what we know now: that our business helps people. So I can apologize for my unknowing participation and I have. But the beings I most owe an apology to are my children.

Moving abroad is one way that we knew we could change this. We believed that being in a different place with new sounds, sights, tastes, and smells, would allow us to reset the high-tension energy inside of our home and be the parents we want to be. And to my pleasant surprise, it is working!

I still bark at them when they lag putting on their shoes in the morning but that doesn’t make me a bad mom. What makes me a different mom is that I can see them now. I don’t hear their voices as something I need to drown out in order to survive the next blow. I don’t worry about playing with them outside because newspapers will stalk us, which has happened. I don’t worry now that the moments with my babies can be taken or sued away from me. These little faces are mine to keep. This family is mine to hold and touch and enjoy. It was only me that could not see that from New Jersey.

I am not a Christian but I do think the bible has some useful allegories for spiritual growth. One scripture in particular has been stuck in my head recently:

“God will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13)

If this is true, there is a spiritual energy that is preparing us to overcome what has brought us to the brink. In that case, years from now, when I think about how I coped with the legal and reputational attacks, I will ponder this:

The expense of the legal battles? I was ready for that and in the end it’s only money and wealth-minded people are not afraid to lose money if they know how to make money.

The reputational attacks? My ego was ready for that too. It was not as devastating as I would have thought.

The effects on my family? I was not ready for that. I wish I had done better. I wish I could make up for it. My children are such good little people despite it all. I wish I could deserve them and make them proud.

We made a big change for them and I think we have all been brave. I’m so glad we were able to do this so that these traumas did not continue to cost us our health, our sanity, and the love in our family. Because it almost did.