This fleeing-the-country thing is ridiculous. This spun news story about my family’s move has been picked up and re-written in all corners of American media and my Twitter feed abounds with people who have worked themselves up enough to call me a fraud and a scammer and a fugitive to my @ face. Oh and I mustn’t forget cunt. People still use that oldie-but-goodie.

Reporters have written me today to ask how we are going to handle our lawsuits while we are abroad. Having been a reporter, I would think that this is something one should know but sure, I will spell it out. Here is how you respond to a lawsuit, no matter where you live:

1. You hire a good lawyer.
2. You pay said lawyer.

Most of our lawsuits were in Indiana, a state I have never even visited. I was able to work with our lawyers in Indiana just fine while living in New Jersey thanks to the magic of the telephone and email. Europe has those things too!

So really, what does it matter if we’ve moved when our defense tactics remain unchanged? It matters because it’s a good headline: Fox guy accused of fraud FLEES with his wife!

You caught us! Hiding in plain site on our publishing platforms where they will never find us!

If you are truly outraged that we have FLEED, take solace in this: since we’ve been abroad we have had lawsuits dismissed, we have responded to demands, and we have filed court motions on time. If it were as simple as moving abroad and giving the law the middle finger, why bother with these expensive legal maneuvers?

A few trolls have written me truly outraged because they say that moving abroad was cowardice. I can assure you, moving abroad takes balls, not cowardice. These people DEMAND that we come back and fight, not caring to notice that we still fight in the exact same way we always have: by asserting our innocence with proof in a court of law. I interpret these people’s ignorant words thusly:

You stay in one place so I can continue to throw flaming arrows at you for a something I know nothing about but surmise that you must be guilty of.

To which I respond thusly:

No. I will fight this from a place that I find appropriate for my family and you can kindly take your opinions and aggressively fuck yourself with them.

Also, I unapologetically delete your comments and block you if you’re vile. I volley your venomous poison away from me and my family.

People can be so stupid and I am stupid for giving those people energy but like I said in my previous post, shitty things that are written about your family are not that easy to shrug off. I admit, media inquiries do get me down but I’m sadly familiar with the emotional cycle now: your stress hormones spike, you feel fear like a jolt of electricity, and then you try to calm yourself enough to put the baby down for a nap and go on with your day. You observe it for whatever it is trying to teach you about yourself. On my stronger days, these moments of despair don’t last more than an hour or two. That’s all you can do really.

I used to get so happy when I heard from media because it meant I was going to be on the TODAY Show or CNN, looking pretty and showing off a Kindle. I guess my destiny was to experience being both a media darling and a media target. I think it is important to reflect on the yin and yang of this experience because I must have chosen it in my akashic contract.

I have tried to shelter my children from this hardship but they notice something amiss when their mother cannot complete coherent sentences. I was feeling guilty about this today when my daughter asked me where we were going this afternoon and I could not give her a straight answer. So I went with it.

Hey guys, lately Mommy’s thoughts have been elsewhere and I cannot answer simple questions. So here is what I’m going to do: When my mind is on another planet, I will let you know by responding with something so nonsensical that you know that Mommy is out of it and then I’ll try to come back to Earth, okay? Let’s give it a try.

Mommy, where are we going after we stop at the bank?

Obi-Wan Kenobi’s painted toe nails.

Mommy, can we stop in that store?

Pineapple teeth.

They liked that for today but I don’t think I should make it a habit of zoning out and making a joke. I have to zone back in. I really have to try. That’s why we came here after all. NOT to flee!